The John Diefenbaker Award for Canadian Humor...

And The Winner Is: Duncan's Doughnuts

John Duncan, Minister of Aboriginal Affairs, Photo: canada.com

(SASKATCHEWAN) - Watching Clint Eastwood make a complete jackass of himself at the Republican Convention recently, such that I almost (but not quite) had sympathy for the Republicans, it suddenly dawned on me that Canadian humor is not as bad as I thought. As one political commentator mentioned over Joe Dirt's disruption at the Romney love-in, that's what you get when you cut Medicare: an old geezer (granted one who had been a first-rate director and a third-rate actor) whose hairdo makes Donald Trump look good, talking obscenities to an empty chair.

But I stray from my text, which was: the essence of Canadian humor is that we tend to be anally retentive, our humor is hesitant, apologetic, half-assed, that is to say constipational. We need occasionally an injection of an emetic of some kind, which is the best way of describing the 82-year-old pale rider who failed to make Romney's day the other day.

Stephen Leacock, probably our best entrant, couldn't make a living then or now doing stand-up; he had to legitimize himself as a professor at McGill (and in economics, at that) in order to justify his brilliant talent. More recently, in the arid wasteland of the CBC, nobody took Johnny Wayne and Frank Shuster seriously – that is to say humorously – until they were anointed with more than one appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show and knocked the Americans dead. (Then they presumably were able to renegotiate their contract with the CBC, like undersold Swedish hockey players).

Norm McDonald, Rich Little, Howie Mandel? Priceless - like a Bank of Montreal MasterCard. Save in their own country.

Those guys are all aberrations, throwbacks, hybrids. But the true nature of Canadian humor is available daily, simply by watching a trained politician delivering a standard platitude with a straight face. It's all there, the essence of double-take, pratfalls, Laurel and Hardy tragedy, derived from our innate tendency to pity the unfortunate idiot.

You doubt that? Try this one, as the last word in Canadian humor: Prime Minister Stephen Harper stands up at a G-20 meeting and intones: “Canada has no colonial history.”

Lewis Black couldn't have topped that one during his two-hour seminar last year at Carnegie Hall, even with the gag about his Jewish mother telling him if he wasn't going to be a doctor, at least he could get a B.A. In Health Science.

So I herewith offer my nomination for the John Diefenbaker Award for Canadian Humor, to be staged at the O'Keefe Center any time Toronto is ready for this. You agree? (Opens envelope) “John Duncan, Minister of Aboriginal Affairs, is winner of the Award For Lifelong Achievement, but particularly for his starring role recently in Important Milestone in Canadian History.”

As they do at all award ceremonies, here's an excerpt from his winning performance: (please hold your applause till the end.)

      OTTAWA, ONTARIO - The Honourable John Duncan, Minister of Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development, issued the following statement today:

      "Today marks an important milestone in Canada's relationship with First Nations, Metis and Inuit across the country. A year ago, Canada endorsed the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples. This was another step in further reconciling and strengthening our relationship.

      “Since 2006, our government has worked towards a renewed relationship with Aboriginal peoples of Canada, exemplified by the Prime Minister's historic apology to former students of Indian Residential Schools...

      “We continue to take concrete action on important issues like education, economic development, housing, child and family services, access to safe drinking water, and the extension of human rights protection and matrimonial real property protection to First Nations on reserves... We have also made important investments to Nunavut Sivuniksavut to provide students with a unique education program to learn about Inuit history and prepare for the labor force.

      “These steps are strengthening and supporting opportunities for a better future and quality of life for Aboriginal peoples.

      “Canada is strongly committed to furthering a positive relationship with First Nations, Inuit, and Metis people based on our shared history, respect and desire to focus on delivering tangible results."

      Ahuh. "Renewed relationship,” “apology,” “concrete action,” and the clincher “safe drinking water.”

       "As organizations concerned for the human rights and well-being of Indigenous peoples, we are calling on the Government of Canada to honor the standards in the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples, which Canada formally endorsed one year ago."

Then Ken gets right down to it, talks about indigenous communities with overcrowded housing, sub-standard schools and of course the fresh water thing. Exaggerating, you know, because everybody knows Canada has all kinds of fresh water, most of that big red blob on Mercator's Projection. Come to think of it, maybe that's why it's red instead of blue.

And he also dishes into the report of the Auditor General, Sheila Fraser, which said they had made 31 separate audits documenting that Indians "lack access to services other Canadians take for granted," over which you can use your imagination, but doesn't sound like Mr. Duncan's brave new world at all.

Oh, you know, old stuff like the UN Declaration of The Rights of Indigenous Peoples. It's called UNDRIP, which implies that you put stuff like money in at the top like a hay-baler or a vegetable juicer and it trickles down to the rez sooner or later. Canada signed on to that UN thing around 1954, and the punch line to that particular Canadian-style humor is that it's trickling down, but slow and steady, as in Canadiana.

       “Around the world," said the Auditor Gezneral, " many governments and institutions are doing just that. They are implementing the UN Declaration in both policy and legislation to address Indigenous rights and critical concerns." (Such as Greenland, Bolivia, Congo and other advanced nations. - Ed.). “Our organizations are deeply concerned that there are no similar examples of implementation within Canada. Rather than demonstrating global leadership in advancing this vital human rights instrument, Canada has, in fact, continued to take obstructive positions even after giving formal endorsement to the UN Declaration. For example, in a landmark Canadian Human Rights Tribunal case considering allegations of discrimination in the underfunding of First Nations child welfare, the government opposed use of the UN Declaration to interpret Canada’s domestic human rights obligations."

Ol' Sheila goes on with more of the same, about Canada's obligations to uphold human rights standards (as they do in China and Colombia) consistent with a good-faith interpretation of that old endorsement thing we all agreed to about the time John Duncan and Stephen Harper were born. and Wayne and Shuster were cracking jokes on CBC radio.

Well, that sort of gives you an idea of Canadian humor right up to date. If there's anything funnier than a roast it's the straight-faced humor that preceded it. Instead of a roast, it could be called John Duncan's Doughnuts – glazed on the outside; nothing in the middle.

And oh, about the creation of that John Diefenbaker Award For Canadian Humor, I'm serious. Which is typically Canadian.

______________________________________________________

Bill Annett grew up a writing brat; his father, Ross Annett, at a time when Scott Fitzgerald and P.G. Wodehouse were regular contributors, wrote the longest series of short stories in the Saturday Evening Post's history, with the sole exception of the unsinkable Tugboat Annie.

At 18, Bill's first short story was included in the anthology “Canadian Short Stories.” Alarmed, his father enrolled Bill in law school in Manitoba to ensure his going straight. For a time, it worked, although Bill did an arabesque into an English major, followed, logically, by corporation finance, investment banking and business administration at NYU and the Wharton School. He added G.I. education in the Army's CID at Fort Dix, New Jersey during the Korean altercation.

He also contributed to The American Banker and Venture in New York, INC. in Boston, the International Mining Journal in London, Hong Kong Business, Financial Times and Financial Post in Toronto.

Bill has written six books, including a page-turner on mutual funds, a send-up on the securities industry, three corporate histories and a novel, the latter no doubt inspired by his current occupation in Daytona Beach as a law-abiding beach comber.

You can write to Bill Annett at this address: bilko23@gmail.com

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Anonymous September 2, 2012 6:04 pm (Pacific time)

Actually what Mr. Eastwood did was not for humorous intent, though those who fail to understand the seriousness of the failed Obama cabal may be confused, obviously. It was a pretty straight forward analysis by Mr. Eastwood, "We the people" own America, Obama has failed miserably, and it's time to fire him. This will be formally done this upcoming November. Then next year there will be Federal Grand Juries assembled all over the country to deal with the criminal acts of the previous four years. I guarantee it.

DJ: Bishop Desmond Tutu is calling for Bush and Blair to be tried by the International Criminal Court. That will take precedence before dealing with any alleged peccadilloes  of the Obama administration. But I believe the American people are too smart to elect Bush 2.

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