Dementia Can Fragment the Family

Flexibility is the byword. One never knows tomorrow's menu of doings, just so long as you don't permit yourself to be done in. Empathy makes that engine chug along and stay on track.

(SALEM) - I recently spoke to a nephew in Florida about a case of dementia in his family. He asked that I not disclose the name of the person involved, but it's ok to share his dilemma anonymously. It would be a "good education" for all of us, he stated. Let's call that lady "Martha". She's a retired educator, married with no birth family members living anywhere nearby. Her husband, "Fred", is the principal caretaker.

Martha had several falls this year but fortunately no fractures. Signs of repetitive memory loss had begun to appear almost daily. Sometimes house keys and at other times, eyeglasses. She even left a key inserted in her car's trunk keyhole when at a motel, a temptation for any dishonest stranger to make off with the car.

At another point, Martha was instructed to stay in the car while her husband Fred shopped for groceries. She initially said yes, then became restless and forgot. In a state of anxiety, she dashed up the steps and fell royally on her face. A bloody nose then resulted and Martha screamed as the blood gushed out. Two strangers answered her shouts and brought her back to the car seat to rest while clerks in the supermarket brought her lots of paper towels to clean up.

In the chaos, the stranger with the car key took off with it, destination unknown.

Some months earlier, the woman tried to place an empty frying pan on an electric stove. Then she changed her mind and put it on the formica counter. A large scar was indented. The husband was not very happy with this incident. He now covers it up with an extra placemat to hide the burn-mark from visitors.

Checkbook problems also surfaced, according to the nephew. At first Martha couldn't find the couple's checkbook and panicked. She thought that perhaps someone had found it and might drain the account. Calling the bank, she was advised to close the account and open up a new one. Funds would then go to the new account and she'd destroy the old checkbook. So it was assumed.

When a series of utility payments were refused due to "closed account", Fred told us that a penalty was imposed. Further investigation brought to light the fact that checks from the closed account were sent by Martha, being completely unaware. Fred was miffed at this and now reportedly has taken over paying all the bills.

Meanwhile, Martha has grown quite hostile, insisting that Fred's cooking uses items "not natural" because sometimes the food is processed. That was never an issue during 25 years of marriage with Fred. She has begun cooking for herself because her trust for others is fast evaporating. Martha blames others for anything that she doesn't like, while denying responsibility for any negative outcome.

How did this dilemma find a solution? Separate residences proved the answer. Martha has moved into a senior residence where they feed her three meals and clean her room weekly. She is free to retreat to her room when she tires of her new peers, whom she claims have memories far worse than her own.

Fred calls her daily to check up, and visits at least once a week, he points out. They both seem to like their new "freedom" from their earlier daily conflicts, and Martha especially enjoys doing her room decor. She calls it "empowerment".

In the months ahead, her mental decline may grow more intense, but none is certain just how the future will play out. Fear is part of Martha's fabric, and indeed, she seeks reassurance at every turn. It creates stress for both mates, who are busy in building their individual social support systems.

Flexibility is the byword. One never knows tomorrow's menu of doings, just so long as you don't permit yourself to be done in. Empathy makes that engine chug along and stay on track.

NOTE: Lee Coyne had been working with elder clients from 1975-2008 as a medical social worker. He's now retired, and informally helps friends and relatives to locate the resources they need. Email: notcoy@netzero.net.

B. Lee Coyne, a NYC native, blends three careers: Journalist, Counselor, Educator. His writings have appeared in newspapers and magazines on the East and West Coasts and the Southwest. He loves the art of the interview and has covered such persons as Dr. King's 1963 "Dream" speech and Sen. William

Proxmire as an advocate for the environment. A global traveller to some 30 countries aboard, he speaks Spanish semi-fluently and very rudimentary Russian, Tagalog, German, Arabic and Hebrew.

Lee's legacy here in Salem includes launching the Salem Peace Mosaic at the YMCA and doing a radio talk show for KMUZ/88.5 FM. It airs Mondays and highlights lives of proactive, productive senior citizens. He invites you to contact him at: notcoy@netzero.net.