The DST Caper

It was sometime in the 1950s that the American branch of the International Time Bank was established in a secret location somewhere in the continental United States. It’s there that the 300 million or so American hours are deposited every spring.

Courtesy: gothamschools.org

(CALGARY, Alberta) - November 1, 2009 So, you’ve got the hour back, the hour the government “borrowed” last spring. But, did you get any interest on that loan? Didn’t think so.

It’s the same every year.

In the spring the government takes an hour away from us under the guise of Daylight Saving Time. Then, every autumn they give the hour back to us. But we receive no interest on the hour of our time the government took last spring.

This may sound irrelevant only until I reveal a secret aspect of this government program—even more secret than President Bush intercepting emails (which I just found out about last Tuesday).

The program’s origins are a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. But I’m determined to cast as much light here as possible bearing in mind that, even here at Salem-News I am limited to what I can actually reveal. Tim is a hard taskmaster.

I’m going to start at the beginning, insofar as it has meaning for us in the 21st century. The ancient Greeks and Romans had no problem with daylight and time. There was no obvious problem in subsequent civilizations until what came to be known as THE DARK AGES that were not resolved until the later period called THE ENLIGHTENMENT. These terms were not chosen by accident!

My investigation began with THE ENLIGHTENMENT which, no coincidence, also heralded the birth of the United States in the 18th century. The key man to watch here is Benjamin Franklin, who was one of only a few who signed both the Declaration of Independence and as a delegate to the Continental Congress.

Although he was not the inventor of DST, Franklin promoted the general idea. He was, more importantly, the first to coin the term Time is Money. Until then, everyone had the same access to 24 hours each day. Then politicians got involved and time became a commodity.

It was sometime in the 1950s that the American branch of the International Time Bank was established in a secret location somewhere in the continental United States. It’s there that the 300 million or so American hours are deposited every spring. Some think it’s located in the same warehouse where the government is also stashing 50 million doses of Tamiflu.

You’ve heard about people, businesses or political organizations being “on borrowed time”. From where, in heavens name, did you think they borrowed that time?

The major borrowers of time from the Fund are politicians. This is no surprise, considering that politicians set things up originally. This is why elections have been set for November. The Time Fund would be flush after earning six months of interest, and loans could be readily approved.

I could go on to list the politicians who are running or who have withdrawn for next week, but the important thing to remember is that they are all beholden to the Time Fund. Two immediate examples are Assemblywoman Dierdre Scozzafava, who was a candidate in New York’s 23rd District House race. She withdrew from the race on Saturday citing lack of support.

On Friday, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom withdrew from the race for governor, citing family issues. In both cases they are prevented from even making allusions to the Time Fund. For both of them, their Time Loan applications were declined, but they can’t tell you that.

What I suggest is that the Time Fund be opened up to the general public. Here’s how it would work.

ATMs (Automatic Time Machines) would be made available in discreet ways, and when a person wanted some extra time (i.e., they’re having a particularly good experience doing something) they could withdraw an hour or two or a day or two and use it for that. How many times have you had such a good experience that you said, out loud or to your partner—I wish this time could last forever. Well, you can’t make it last forever, but you can extend it. Sex, for example, could be extended for as long as you have the strength. The only drawback is that the time you withdraw a an advance, is deducted from the other end of your life.

In our instant gratification society, I can see the average life span declining to thirty or forty years. But a good time would be had by all. This would save the country untold billions in pensions and social security that would not have to be paid out.

The Time Bank could also work along the same lines as a Food Bank. People who have extra time, “time on their hands” could donate it to the Time Bank. This time could then be redistributed to people who are “short of time”. The possibilities are endless.

And, for me, I think it’s time for another beer.