There's No Such Thing as Quality Time

All our new technologies have only made most people more overwhelmed, busier. It’s these moments that matter most in our lives - the little ones, like building a Legos with your 9-year-old and figuring out where the mistake was.

Bruce Sallan and his nine-year old at Mammoth Photo: Bruce Sallan

(SANTA MONICA) - I learned a great lesson this past weekend with my kids. It’s something I knew, but had never experienced so directly.

There’s no such thing as quality time, only QUANTITY time (with kids). Some people believe that they can schedule "quality time" with their kids, in which they think their kids will open up, reveal what’s really going on, and "share".

They want to schedule this time the way they schedule a business lunch. BUT, kids don’t work on these kinds of schedules!

They’ll open up when they’re good and ready and usually this will be when you least expect it, as happened this weekend with my younger son!

I bribed him to come skiing (snowboarding in his case) with me. Hard to believe, but he isn’t interested. My older son is, but my younger one got cold the first time we tried and has been against it ever since. I booked a 2-hour private lesson for the boys.

My younger one wanted to quit early, as he was tired. Instead of berating him, I supported him and told him he was doing great, as did the teacher. I didn’t push him. I made it clear to both of them that I was proud of their efforts.

The same thing happened the second day. Again, I supported them. Each day, as a result, we were in the condo early.

It was hard for me, as I so want my boys to enjoy winter sports. But, truly, it’s clear now (after several tries) that they just aren’t inclined this way.

So, how does all this relate to the quality time idea?

Simple. I hung with my boys all weekend. I let them set the pace. I was THERE for them. The bribe for my younger son was a Lego he really wanted. When we got home, he stayed up till after midnight working on it. At 12:30 AM he comes into my room, sobbing, that he’d broken it.

I knew he was just running on fumes and desire. Gently, I coaxed him into bed and he fell asleep within moments. The next morning, he arose and immediately went back to the Legos.

I was working on the computer and quite focused. After a while, he came to me asking for my help to fix the "broken" Lego. I was about to say "later", as I was intent on what I was doing. But, I realized this was a breakthrough as he is the kind of kid who doesn’t reach out and ask for help.

So, I said "sure" and went in his room and worked with him on it, finally figuring out the "mistake" he’d made. He was ecstatic and then didn’t want me to leave as we continued to put it together.

This is the QUANTITY time thing. Staying there, being there. It was a special moment and I’ll cherish it. I think everyone is running around too damned much!

All our new technologies have only made most people more overwhelmed, busier. It’s these moments that matter most in our lives - the little ones, like building a Legos with your 9-year-old and figuring out where the mistake was. I hope I never say "later" to my kids again! That’s it for now...till the next one...

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Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 12 and 15. His nationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. In addition to Salem-News.com, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. He can be reached at: brucesallan@gmail.com.