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Apr-05-2013 10:46printcomments

Five Good Reasons Not to Nuke Washington, DC

Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Kim Jong-un's Nuclear Threats...

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un
North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un

(SUNDANCE, Wyoming Truth Jihad) - When I heard that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was threatening to nuke Washington, DC, and "engulf the nation's capital in a sea of flames," my first thought was: "At last, a politician with a plan that could actually solve our nation's most pressing problems."

The thought of Inside-the-Beltway Washington going up in flames brought joy to my heart. The politicians - incinerated! The lobbyists - carbonized! The Supreme Court - cremated! The Pentagon - a five-sided crème brûlée! AIPAC - reduced to cinders that would fit in a Volkswagen's ashtray!

No more nightmares about an aerial army of drones swooping down on us like the wicked witch's winged monkeys. No more concerns that my friends, neighbors, or family might end up on the "kill list" of Obama's death panels. No more visions of Washington's political monkeys rounding us up and sending us to Haliburton detention camps. No more uneasiness about DHS's order for billions of hollow-point bullets. No more false flag attacks, and no more pompous political posers lying us into idiotic wars.

After all, they've burned the Constitution. So there is no longer any reason not to burn Washington, DC.

At this point, it's either them or us.

If Washington were gone, erased from the face of the earth, the planet would be infinitely better for it. There would be nobody left to trash our economy and steal our money and use it to bully folks on the far side of the world who would rather be minding their own damn business...folks like Kim Jong-un, who apparently is fed up, and rightfully so, with Washington thinking it's in charge of every distant corner of the earth.

To hell with Washington, DC. The sooner they nuke it, the better, as far as I'm concerned.

But I'm a thoughtful, reasonable guy. I try to look at both sides of every issue. So I thought to myself, "Wait a minute...suppose there's something I'm missing." I sat down with a pencil and paper and decided to make a list of all the reasons NOT to nuke Washington, DC.

Fourteen hours later, I had come up with five good reasons.

So I decided to write an open letter to Kim Jong-un, just in case he hadn't yet considered all the pros and cons.

The Honorable Kim Jong-un
Supreme Leader, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea
Pyongyang, North Korea

Dear Supreme Leader Jong-un (may I call you Kim?)

Dennis Rodman says you're a stand-up guy, which makes you all right in my book. So I thought I'd check in with you about your promise to nuke Washington, DC and turn it into a "sea of flames."

I understand that threatening to nuke Washington, DC is a good political move in North Korea. Have you considered that it might also be a good political move here in America?

Since you're obviously an ambitious guy - not every leader of an economic-basket-case country of 25 million people runs around threatening to nuke DC - I think you ought to consider ditching your current job and running for President of the USA on a "Nuke Washington" platform.

The polls show that the American people HATE Washington, DC. Congress's "favorable" rating has been running at the edge of the single digits for years. The rest of DC isn't doing much better.

If you came here and promised to nuke Washington, you wouldn't just be elected in a landslide. You'd be anointed Supreme Leader here too, by popular acclaim.

There are, however, compelling reasons not to nuke Washington, DC. After spending all day and most of the night trying to think of some, I came up with the following list:

1) There are quite a few dogs, cats, rats, cockroaches, trees, shrubs, and other innocent animals and plants that live there.

2) If Washington were scrubbed from the face of the earth, Americans would no longer have a focus for their hatred, and the nation would become disunited and fractious.

3) Ditto for the world.

4) If you give the orders to "nuke Washington," your missile might accidentally be delivered to Washington state, which has really beautiful mountains and rivers and stuff.

5) If Washington DC gets nuked, and all its freemasonic symbols are obliterated, the damn freemasons will just move their world capital to Jerusalem, bulldoze the al-Aqsa mosque, put up a temple for sacrificing red heifers, and rebuild DuPont Circle, the Washington's Dick Monument, Congress, the White House, AIPAC, the whole nine the whole thing will turn out to have been pointless.

Then again, what difference does it make if they move America's capital to Israel - the whole place has been owned by the Israelis for years anyway.

So, on balance, I would urge you to refrain from nuking Washington DC until you have considered all your options - including a possible run for Supreme Leader of the USA.

Sincerely, Dr. Kevin Barrett -deep in the woods of western Wisconsin, just about as far away from Washington, DC as I can get without falling into the Mississippi River


Dr. Kevin Barrett is the author of three books including the new revised edition of Questioning the War on Terror: A Primer for Obama Voters, which deconstructs the "war on terror" through Socratic questioning. A Ph.D. Arabist-Islamologist, he has taught languages, literature, humanities, religious studies, and folklore at colleges and universities in the U.S. and abroad.

Blacklisted from teaching at the University of Wisconsin since 2006, Dr. Barrett has recently worked as a talk radio host, author, public speaker, and congressional candidate. One of the best-known critics of the War on Terror, Dr. Barrett has appeared on Fox, CNN, PBS, ABC-TV, and Unavision, and has been the subject of op-eds and feature stories in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Christian Science Monitor, and other publications. Dr. Barrett hosts two talk radio shows, one on a liberal and the other on a conservative network, and runs the website He lives in rural Wisconsin with his wife, two children, and a dog named after Salman Rushdie. Learn more about Kevin Barrett by visiting Read more of Kevin's work by visiting:

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Ralph E. Stone April 7, 2013 7:13 am (Pacific time)

Trouble with nuking Washington, D.C. is that the neo-cons would use the turmoil following the blast to turn the country into an actual police state.

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