Exclusive Interview With The New Jesus

A satirical look at the new manifestation of the son of God.

Courtesy: doctore.blog.is

(SALEM, Ore.) - Reporter: The United Council of Christian Churches, The Vatican, and The World Christian Coalition today introduced to the world the New Jesus, spokesperson, role model and savior to Christians worldwide. Only ten reporters have been granted an interview, and I am thankful to have been one of them. The New Jesus differs in many ways from the first ,including His appearance. Unlike the robe-wearing, sandaL-clad Jesus of old, the new Jesus arrived for the interview wearing cammo pants and a Sturgis T-shirt with the sleeves cut off. He is definitely more buff than the former Messiah and has the swagger of a bouncer or a soldier-of-fortune. I was granted a five-minute interview. Here is the transcript of that interview.

(Jesus enters, we shake hands and sit across from each other at a small table.)

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for this interview.

JESUS: No problem.

INTERVIEWER: So other than physical appearance, how do you differ from the original Jesus, and why was it deemed neccessary to re-invent yourself?

JESUS: Well first off, I did not re-invent myself..I am a completely new Jesus. And the answer to the second part of your question should be obvious. The old Jesus makes no sense in today's world. "Love your enemies..pray for them who spitefully use you" ??? "Turn the other cheek" ?? Christians are tired of "turning the other cheek", and we are tired of enemies. All that hippie talk made sense when Christians were weak , but we aren't weak any more. Do you realize that 3/4 of the nuclear weapons in the world are owned by countries that claim to be Christian ? The days of walking around with our heads down are over, my friend.

INTERVIEWER: So you are saying that the former Jesus is outdated and irrelevant ?

JESUS: Yes, and not only that, I would have to add "dangerous". His philosophy made us sitting ducks..all that passiveness and unconditional love for everyone. The world is a different place now and Christianity has to evolve with the times. I hate to say it, but the old Jesus was kind of a pussy. Thankfully most Christians never really paid too much attention to his pinko philosophy, or we’d be in bad shape. Modern Christians are strong and tough and frankly, pissed off. They've had it with gays, atheists, hippies, Muslims, Jews and pretty much anyone that isn't Christian. It is time for Christians to clean house, God will find his own.

INTERVIEWER: You are calling for a Holy War?

JESUS: Yes, but lets not call it that...sounds too Muslim. We were thinking calling it something catchy like "Operation Enduring Freedom" or "Cleansing For Christ"...still working on that. Christians, especially American ones, love military-sounding stuff. It makes them feel powerful. Of course, you still have pockets of pacifism in the church, like the Quakers or Friends...whatever they call themselves, but they are few and fading. Christians are going to kick some ass. And I say "Bring it on !"

INTERVIEWER: What about "the meek shall inherit the Earth" ?

JESUS: Do you believe that? If so, I have some oceanfront property in Utah I'd like to sell you. Look, that was probably put in the Bible to pacify the poor so that they would accept their lot in life and somehow even feel that they are blessed because God is trying them and making them suffer. Can you imagine? How freakin naive !

INTERVIEWER: How do other religions fit into your new agenda?

JESUS: They don't. Well, let me rephrase that. They do inasmauch as we need an enemy. So we cannot completely eliminate ALL other religions, but we owe it to ourselves to thin em down substantially. But we can't have Christians fighting Christians, can we?

INTERVIEWER: Actually, in World War Two,most all the major players on both sides were "Christian" countries. Didn't the Germans have "God is on our side" engraved on the caps of their canteens?

JESUS: Yes, and we see how well that turned out. Look, Christians are at their strongest when there is a percieved enemy. Church enrollment goes up, more money pours in...look at the Cuban Missile Crisis..best thing that happened to the church in the early 60s.

But I'll tell you, Christians are done being the underdogs...and we are tired of weakness and all the lovey-dovey stuff. Remember when the soldiers came to arrest the old Jesus? What did he do ? Nothing. And in fact when Peter drew his sword and tried to fight, the old Jesus stopped him and get this--even healed the cut soldier ! Is that crazy or what? See my hands? No crucifixion here. We have evolved, my friend...we are not the crucified, but the crucifiers. We must rise up and do God's work.

INTERVIEWER: Will Christians accept you over the traditional Jesus? Isn't this going to be a hard sell?

JESUS:Yes, and I don't think so. Look, how many Christians really live the way the old Jesus said they were supposed to ? How many Christians dedicate their lives to helping others selflessly? Not many...Mother Teresa maybe. Do you know what hitchhiking on a Sunday morning when the roads are clogged with Christians is called ? Walking. How many Christians regularly donate to charities and hang out with and help the dregs of society like He did ? Not many at all. Why set unattainable standards? It will just make people quit the church or never join in the first place. I'll tell you this, I aint hanging out with lepers and riff-raff like that. And just because I am a Christian, does not mean that I should have to bring homeless families to my house, or buy dinner for bums. Homeless people stink, and chances are it is their own fault that they are homeless. Christians shouldn't have to concern themselves over these failures...these useless eaters. We are winners, not losers.

INTERVIEWER: I believe He told us to "take what we have and give to the poor".

JESUS: Yeah and they will sell it and buy crack or whiskey and then you will be the poor one. That doesn't make sense to me. Christians are made to feel guilty if we prosper and do not share the wealth. I say take care of ourselves...the chaff of the world can fend for themselves, or better yet, fight each other over the scraps. The fewer, the better.

INTERVIEWER: Your philosophy seems somewhat militant. Do you think Christians will accept this radical change?

JESUS: What radical change? Are you saying that Christians aren’t war-like? What group of Americans has supported the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan more than any other? Soldiers? Nope…Evangelical Christians. Do you know what Paul Tibbets and the crew of the Enola Gay did before they took off to incinerate an entire city full of civilians? They held hands and prayed to Jesus. Then they took off, dropped the bomb and killed 80,000 Japanese civilians. Tibbets went on to be a Christian motivational speaker ! Consider that for a minute…the man who incinerated Hiroshima, killing thousands of babies, children,families, innocent people, went on to be a Christian motivational speaker ! And he never ever once showed any regrets and in fact stated that "he slept well every night and would do it all again if he could". So don’t tell me that Christians are adverse to war. We thrive on it. If Christians were really paying any attention at all to the old Jesus, they’d be protesting in the streets to end the war. They would oppose war with every ounce of their being. Do you see that happening? Right now there are chaplains in the military, which from what I hear made no sense at all to the first Jesus. You go out, shoot up villages,kick in doors, drag off husbands, brothers and sons in the middle of the night..kill a few, then you come back to your base and pray to God.

That has been going on for some time. There is no “radical change” suggested here, just a realistic adjustment that reflects the true spirit of modern progressive Christianity. That is why the old Jesus was so out of step with the church. His hippie-dippie teachings have no place in the modern world. He does not represent most Christians any more. I do.

INTERVIEWER: Well it will be interesting to see how this unfolds.

JESUS: Well it is about time that Christians had a Messiah that they can be proud of, not some hippie peacenik that preaches that love and kindness will save the day. That aint going to happen.

(at this point, I am informed that my time is up and the interview is over)

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for your time, Jesus.

JESUS: Likewise.