Creating a Racket on the Tennis Court

"They are making sounds like they are lifting 300 pounds…. the ball is not that heavy." - Grand Slam champion Martina Navratilova

Courtesy: besttennispractice.com

(LOS ANGELES) - If you watched the US Open tennis over the past couple of weeks, your ears may still be ringing from matches featuring female players who can’t seem to hit a ball without screeching and squawking their way through every ear-shattering point.

Their relentless auditory assault on tennis fans makes the wails of midnight neighborhood cat fights seem positively melodic by comparison. The worst offenders include Maria Sharapova and Victoria Azarenka. In fact, Sharapova holds the current noise record and has been measured at 105 decibels. A pneumatic drill is 130.

As for the Azarenka yelp, her "aye-whooo-aye-whooo-aye-whooo" has to be heard to be believed. She claims it’s "a natural part of her breathing system," but it sounds more like a struggling, asthmatic dolphin trapped in a fish net.

If you ever plan on watching these two play each other, just go ahead and plunge a screwdriver through your eardrums right now. You’ll thank me later.

Serena Williams is another tennis scream queen. She was runner-up in this year’s US Open, but was remarkably quiet compared to her past on-court trilling. However, she upped her annoyance factor this year by throwing a massive temper tantrum during the final (not the first) when a call didn’t go her way. She was later fined $2,000 for verbal umpire abuse. I suspect even many Americans were glad that classy (and quiet) Aussie Samantha Stosur nailed the volatile Williams this time round.

Of course, some of the men grunt and groan with each shot too, but it is rarely the loud, ear-piercing shrill that the women force upon us. But not all the women have earplug-worthy battle cries. Current world number one player Caroline Wozniacki has a rather subdued grunt, like a high pitched hiccup, although she can crank up the decibels when a match gets tough.

Along these lines, let’s not forget charismatic Italian player Francesca Schiavone. While not necessarily shrill, her tennis shriek is incredibly annoying and sounds like someone is performing the Heimlich Maneuver on her every few seconds.

While many fans hope that the US Tennis Association will one day do something about this situation, don’t hold your breath. They make a living off these tennis players, and aren’t likely to rile them any time soon. In the meantime, plan on watching future televised tennis matches with your finger poised on the remote mute button.

Perhaps the great former Grand Slam champion Martina Navratilova said it best: "They are making sounds like they are lifting 300 pounds…. the ball is not that heavy."

Nick Thomas has written features for over 150 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and the Christian Science Monitor. He can be reached at www.along-these-lines.com