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Jan-08-2014 02:47printcomments

How Jesus Returned To Toronto... The Second Conning
(A Passion Play in Three Acts) Act I

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first – (He is interrupted by the arrival of a pair of security guards who hustle him toward the door. The Moderator calls after them:)

Spanish inquisition
ptl2010.com

(DAYTONA BEACH) - Feodor Dostoievski, in his novel “The Brothers Karamazov,” recounted how Jesus might have returned to earth during the Spanish Inquisition, and how he would have been greeted by the Church.

Thinking about that, I immediately had those squiggly lines around my head, my head bent out of shape as some heavenly music swelled, indicating that I was day-dreaming about...

(The scene is the head office of the United Church of Canada in Toronto. The office is tastefully decorated with pink draperies and magenta carpet. Fresh flowers adorn each of the rows and rows of cubicles, at which people are seated. These work stations are variously labeled with signs, such as “Real Estate Projects,” "Gay Rights," “Indian Residential Schools,” “Outreach,” “United Church Observer – Editorial,” “Public Relations,” and “Pastoral Projects.” At the far end of the room there is the desk of an executive secretary, located just outside a double door labeled “Moderator.”)

(Jesus of Nazareth, a tall man, of bronze complexion, piercing eyes, long flowing hair and a full beard, emerges from an elevator and enters the room. He wears a burnoose, a long flowing white robe and sandals. He looks kind of like Lawrence of Arabia, except for the beard and the fact that he is not carrying a service pistol. He walks to the desk of the executive secretary and pauses.)

Jesus: Verily, I say unto you, where is the Head Scribe or Pharisee?

E.S. (The Executive Secretary is tall and muscular, his tight-fitting tee shirt revealing ripped abs and thick biceps. He is blond and has a Butch haircut..) You mean the Moderator. Mr. Paterson is in a meeting of the Equal Marriage Rights Committee at the moment. Do you have an appointment?

Jesus: I am appointed by my Father which is in Heaven, hallowed be His name.

E.S. (He looks at his appointment book, ballpoint poised) I don't see any record of it here. Who shall I say is calling?


Jesus: Jesus of Nazareth, and more recently of Mississauga, which is a multitude.

E.S. (Smiles) Yes, I know. But I'm afraid you'll have to wait. Perhaps the Moderator won't be long.

(Jesus takes a seat.

E.S. Can I get you a coffee? Soda? You look a little hot in that white thingie.

Jesus: I was thirsty and you gave me drink.

E.S. Right as rain. (Hands Him a can of soda.)

(Jesus sits for a minute or two and then, spying a filing cabinet, rises and goes to it, rifling through the files. He removes one and examines it.)

E.S. Sir? What are you doing?

Jesus: It sayeth “Truth and Reconciliation Commission.” But I say unto you “behold the lilies of the field, they toil not, neither do they spin.” Why therefore does this parchment say “Media Spin?”

(He throws the file to the floor, papers scattering in all directions. At the same time, Gary Paterson, the Moderator, emerges from his office holding hands with his wife Tim Stevenson, and looks at Jesus quizzically. Gary is the first openly gay Moderator of the UCC, which shows how broadminded they are. And golly, us, too, I guess.)

Moderator: What's going on, Trevor? Who is our guest?

Jesus: I am the son of the Lord God of Hosts. If it were not so I would have told you so.

Moderator: Well, peachy keen. I can't say I didn't expect this on my watch. (Still holding Tim's with his left hand) I offer you the right hand of fellowship. (Over his shoulder) Trevor, call Security.

(E.C. dials a number and speaks briefly into the handset.)

Jesus: I am come to cast the scribes, pharisees and money-changers out of the temple.

(He scuffs the TRC file with his sandaled foot.)

Moderator: Love your sandals, Hon. Did you get them at Eaton's College Street? And if you are who you say you are, we'd love to write you up in the United Church Observer. Let me get the editor - (Behind his back he signals Trevor with a throat-cutting motion)

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first – (He is interrupted by the arrival of a pair of security guards who hustle him toward the door. The Moderator calls after them:)


Moderator: Take Him to Toronto's Finest. They'll know what to do. I'll phone Robbie Ford for clearance. This guy could be a user, maybe even a distributor. Robbie will know. (Turns toward Trevor, who is reaching for the phone) They had this sort of situation during the G-20 Summit. (The Moderator waves a hand at the departing Jesus) Have a nice day, Messiah.

Act II

The scene is the Prime Minister's office in Ottawa. Stephen Harper sits at his desk, flanked by two public relations consultants. Jesus stands facing him, his hands cuffed behind him. On either side there is a Toronto police officer, one of whom has a slip of paper in his hand.

Toronto Cop I: Mr. Prime Minister, the Chief says here on this dispatcher's slip that it's up to you to press charges. The United Church thinks he's an imposter with this fag get-up, but they don't have no jurisdiction, much as they would like to fry his – well, you know what I mean, sir.

P.M. Yes, indeed, we have these cases all the time. There's a bunch on the steps of the Parliament Building right now. Indians, from what I hear. Never satisfied.

T.C. II: Us, too, Prime, sir. On the flight up here, the guy really made a scene. Stewardess gives him a coke and some cookies and he makes like a federal case out of it – knocks them back and says “This do in remembrance of me.” Jeez!. Then he says something about he is The Christ.

P.M. Yeah, right. And I'm Pontius Pilate. “What is the Truth, not to mention Reconciuliation, said jesting Pilate?” That's me, all right. (Addressing Jesus:)

If you are the Christ, I say

If you are the Christ,

Prove to me that you're no fool,

Walk across – oh, let's say the Rideau Canal.

(Everybody laughs.)

T.C. II: You're a riot, P.M., sir.

P.M. (Smiles, jerking a thumb toward his chest.) That's why they call me “Prime.”

Jesus: I will deny you thrice. I answer only to my Father, which is in Heaven.

P.M. Yeah, right. Hallowed be His name. But this is the PMO, not Heaven, the last time I looked.

(Everybody laughs)

T,C. I: Thy kingdom come, thy will be done -

P.M. At least until the next vote of confidence. Now, cut that out. Take him back to Toronto. I'm going to phone the Moderator and suggest that he should sue His Holy ass in civil court or press charges. Impersonating a religious order. Disturbing the peace. Whatever.

T.C. II: (Tugging at Jesus' robes) C'mon, Lawrence. The P.M. has other fish to fry.

Jesus: Yea, verily, hast thou loaves as well as fishes? I could -

T.C. I: Forget it, Lawrence. They already got a cafeteria.

Act III

(The scene is a court room somewhere in Toronto. Gary Paterson, still holding Tim Stevenson's hand, is in the witness box, facing the prosecutor. Jesus is seated beside a publicly appointed lawyer who is studying a book entitled “Law 101.”)


Prosecutor: Now, Ms Paterson -

Moderator: That's “Mr.”

Prosecutor: Right. The last Moderator we had in here was a Ms. When did you first suspect the prisoner was a fraud?

Moderator: Well, I suppose when he destroyed our file. That didn't look to me like fellowship or outreach.

Prosecutor: Is that all, Mr. Tindal?

Moderator: That's “Paterson.”

Prosecutor: Right. The last Moderator we had in here was Ms Tindal. Some Indians were suing her for wrongful assimilation. Just answer the question.

Moderator: Well, no. He said He was Jesus, but He has no I.D., and under interrogation by the Toronto P.D. he said he wasn't even a member of the UCC.

Prosecutor: Catholic, maybe?

Moderator: I'd like to think so, but not a chance. He'd be wearing a crucifix, or beads, or SOMETHING. I mean, heavens !

Prosecutor: I see what you mean. So, vagrancy, destroying church property, impersonating a holy man like one of your pastors. Inexcusable...

Moderator: You're right. some of them are pretty bad. (Flops his wrist.)

Prosecutor: Not them, him. Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

The Judge: Suits me. (Bangs his gavel) 90 days!

Jesus: But I was only 40 days in the wilderness when I was tempted by Satan...

The Judge: This isn't the wilderness, buster. This is Toronto. And thank you for bringing this to our attention, Mr. Tendril -

Moderator: That's Paterson. And this is my wife, Mr. Stevenson.

The Judge: Right. And this is an equal opportunity court room. Except for Savior impersonators. Court adjourned.

______________________________________________________

Bill Annett grew up a writing brat; his father, Ross Annett, at a time when Scott Fitzgerald and P.G. Wodehouse were regular contributors, wrote the longest series of short stories in the Saturday Evening Post's history, with the sole exception of the unsinkable Tugboat Annie.

At 18, Bill's first short story was included in the anthology “Canadian Short Stories.” Alarmed, his father enrolled Bill in law school in Manitoba to ensure his going straight. For a time, it worked, although Bill did an arabesque into an English major, followed, logically, by corporation finance, investment banking and business administration at NYU and the Wharton School. He added G.I. education in the Army's CID at Fort Dix, New Jersey during the Korean altercation.

He also contributed to The American Banker and Venture in New York, INC. in Boston, the International Mining Journal in London, Hong Kong Business, Financial Times and Financial Post in Toronto.

Bill has written six books, including a page-turner on mutual funds, a send-up on the securities industry, three corporate histories and a novel, the latter no doubt inspired by his current occupation in Daytona Beach as a law-abiding beach comber.

You can write to Bill Annett at this address: bilko23@gmail.com

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